I turned 45 today. I’ve been loving myself so much more fiercely. Which is a good thing because I feel scared as I write this post.
I’ve been speaking privately with my subscriber list (aka the Love Posse) about this entire year being about my journey deeper into love and joy. Me getting even more real. Facing certain challenges. Letting go more.
My intention for the year ahead: May I allow and receive greater presence and intimacy with myself and deepen my relationships with loved ones. May I allow vulnerability to flow and to soften the heaviness that my unnecessary pretending brings.
I am deepening my love and appreciation for the parts of myself I struggle with and feel ashamed of.
There are parts of me which are hobbled and I still struggle finding my own compassion. When the hobbles show up, my knee-jerk reaction is, Seriously? Even now, after all this time? After all this healing? After all this living and loving myself? After all those freaking workshops? All the hours I logged with my own healer? After all the people I’ve helped? Are you kidding me?
I am doing better with this. Partly this is due to my epiphany around last year’s birthday that I needed to stop taking care of everyone else’s feelings, stop worrying about what other people think, and tend to my own garden.
In terms of my own journey, I realized I was holding myself to an impossibly high standard of perfection and I just quit. I stopped then and there and committed to walking my path even more sincerely.
It’s hard to be deeply present with yourself when you cannot accept what is.
I still have a tendency towards numbing out over showing up.
I’ve learned how to escape reality from a long line of self-soothers, addicts and avoiders. Dieters, bingers, starvers, pot smokers, pill poppers, and workaholics. Borderlines and Manic-Depressives. These were my adult role models. I’ve had quite the education in crazy coping skills.
I never really learned how to sit with upsets and stay present. I never learned how to tolerate healthy stress. My strategies were limited to hide, avoid or escape…smoke it, drink it, eat it, starve it or ignore it.
So it’s not really surprising that there is still a little birdie alive inside me who comes tap-tap-tapping at the window asking me to fly away with her when things get wonky.
To leave this place and avoid feeling what is happening here. The funny thing is, she’s an equal opportunity birdie. In times of difficulty, I can hear her tapping. When the joy gets too big, she is there tap-tap-tapping. As my dreams become manifest, tap-tap-tap. Middle of the night I wake up sweaty to the tapping.
Sometimes I open the window and let her in. Once in a while, I listen to her and we compromise. Other times, I just leave a little birdseed for her on the sill and keep on my path.
Little birdies need love too.
I once saw a man on a bicycle wipe out. He was riding hard and had NO gear on. He fell along a busy street and hurt himself badly. Cars stopped. People stared. Several folks asked him, “Are you okay? Do you need help?” (I bet you already know what I am going to say, don’t you?) He was already getting back on his bike. He was saying, “I’m fine” with such a harsh shove in it that people stopped offering. He rode away bleeding, head held high.
We do not know how to be vulnerable and take help. It’s hard. I know I was never ever taught about this. Most of my friends and clients weren’t either.
There is a crazy inner and outer perception that the world only accepts the good, uplifting, celebratory or funny things. There is a perception that anything upsetting or heavy or hard is a downer and we shouldn’t talk about IT publicly. We shouldn’t ‘air our dirty laundry’ and no matter what, we should keep on dancing, always looking on the brighter side of life.
So if lots and lots of us are going around pretending it’s all good, how are we learning to deal with our upset?
This is why we’re suffering. This is why we numb.
This happy-happy-joy-joy perfection is like an impossible corset. We would love to just let it out. Acknowledge what is really going on. We don’t always have support to do this. Often we are encouraged NOT to do this. Nobody likes to be a booger at the party and so we’ve developed ways to manage. We hobble along, clinging to fuzzy buffers. We light artificial fires. If we can’t tolerate joy or ride the waves of stress, we will look for a little kindling and light a fire.
People come to me and ask if I think they are addicted. I always ask them if they think they are before I answer.
I think there’s an over concern with what it looks like from the outside. What other people will say. What the recommended dosage is. What the acceptable limits are.
If you’re worried about it, there is probably something worth looking in to. You’re worth it. BUT, remember this: it’s about the qualities of your insides not the quantity of your consumption. Don’t assume that your restricting the numbing device will be the answer. It usually never works because that alone does nothing to heal your upset. It’s not about shaming yourself and beating yourself, it’s about LOVE. Love is the medicine.
I had no idea how powerful of a topic this would be, I will be writing more about numbing, healing, and embracing joy so be sure to subscribe to this list so you don’t miss a thing 🙂
You’re a good person. You’re okay. Let’s sit with all of this together and continue the journey.
I am sending so much love. Rock it like you mean it today!
P.S. Post post update: My post about numbing struck a collective chord.
When I wrote Little birdies need love too, I got a lot of email and text messages privately. It seems the nerve it struck wasn’t one most people felt comfortable speaking to publicly. I have to tell you, I knew people would relate, but I didn’t realize it would resonate so deeply. I hadn’t counted on the collective shame…I didn’t expect it to stir something.
I didn’t realize that my own worry about sharing my story publicly would be mirrored back in the worry of this community.
I am sitting with how we can deal with this together. How can we hold onto each other’s birdie wings and explore? We can get so deeply concerned about what our habits and tendencies mean; what others think and what the norms are. We wonder: is this okay? Am I okay? Am I doing it right? But who holds the measuring stick? Who sets the standard? Just wanted to add this little note here for you, incase you are feeling like that: You are okay and loved, exactly as you are! Stick with me. We are making magic 🙂
I’m Robin, some may call me an intuitive healer but I’m really a LIGHT SPARKLER. I help that light inside of you burn brighter so you can SHINE.